Don't say it with these flowers 
| Delicate as these blooms may be, they'll feel like a slap in the face if offered to your host or hostess in France. Photo courtesy of www.istockphoto.com |
by Leigh Fergus Knowing a country's language is one way of getting an inside view of that culture and its people. But once you've grasped when to use the subjunctive and how to pronounce un verre de vin rouge, other non-linguistic hurdles lie in wait. It's not as simple as just translating. One of the things that struck me on first arriving in France, as a polite Brit, was the lack of "pleases" and "thank yous." In a café, it's enough to simply tilt your head up as you catch the waiter's eye and trill un express. With friends, even close ones, there's no need for the s'il te plaît before or after asking for the salt or water-a kind tone being sufficient. Repelling haughtiness or cultural cross-purposes?]
As Gilles Asselin & Ruth Mastron note in their invaluable book Au contraire! Figuring out the French (Intercultural Press Inc. 2001), the well-to-do French are not brought up to smile unnecessarily or seek harmony. Visitors from the States or the UK, urged since childhood to beam at strangers and friends and be pleasant, are often repelled by what they see as the haughtiness of the French, particularly the Parisians-the pressure to smile playing little part in the upbringing of French children. One of the biggest minefields is table manners. Food has a more central role in French lives than in the Anglo-Saxon world, and is considered a pleasure and a refinement, to be taken leisurely as well as seriously. When eating with French friends, be prepared to sit through several courses for a meal lasting anything from two to four hours (covering at least a starter, main, salad, cheese, and dessert). Just so you know: elbows are rarely on the table, but hands are visible at all times; the fork is not used to the exclusion of the knife. Food is important, but conversation equally s small mouthfuls are best. And don't be surprised if an argument erupts at the table: for friends, couples, and families, it's not considered the end of the world if disagreements occur-these are not taken personally but just add spice to what might otherwise be mundane conversations. Say it with flowers
When invited to someone's home for dinner-a rare occasion to be treasured-it is polite to bring flowers. But whatever you do, avoid chrysanthemums, especially at the end of October-they are placed on graves of loved ones in the All Saints' trip to the cemetery. Carnations are not ideal either: from a man they indicate that he has strong feelings for the hostess, and, traditionally, they were also sent to actresses as consolation for a role they had been refused.
It's safer to wait until seconds are offered before helping yourself. And, despite what you've heard, it's not necessary to wish everyone bon appétit before tucking in. If you want to use bread to mop up the sauce, that's fine, just as long as you don't eat more bread than sauce. And be warned: smoking between courses remains an inconvenience for non-smokers, although it is becoming less common. The French have water, wine, or beer with their meals-coffee is usually drunk after a meal as an espresso, although an herbal infusion, such as chamomile or linden flower (tilleul), may also be offered to aid digestion. |
